07 March 2015

Back to Glasgow after too long (or not enough, depending who you ask).

Too many things happen and I can't stop time to take note of all of them. This is unlike me. I used to write about every single small thing that occurred in my life, dissect it with the surgical precision of a craftsman who's been doing this for many many years.

Now nothing.

Last week was the 10th anniversary of the death of my father. Many things changed in the past decade. People came and people went, I made new friends and countless encounters. I dated, I hated, I fucked my ways out of sadness and boredom. I forgot who I was and then reinvented myself with new looks, new hair and new words. I looked in the mirror and looked back too often.

I sometimes wonder whether he would be proud of my choices. He never saw any of them, my first play in high school, being accepted into the GSA, my graduation. My first kiss, my first boyfriend - or the second, or the third. He never found out what became of me, the person I grew up to be.

Scott said that I look too much like him. I wish I did. I want to carry his legacy out there. I want to be as kind as he was, as honest and as hard working, but I've hurt too many people already and all is lost. I even managed to forget about him. Just like this, for a day or two he was away from my mind - only to remember the days and wish to hide from everything and everyone even for a minute.

I miss him. Of course I miss him. There isn't a passing minute That I don't think about him, things he said or did. He'll always be there and I will always look up to the person he was, and will always-always try my best to be even half the person he was.

Един човек е по-голям от целия свят.